For all the optimism that is usually pouring out of me, I've lately had the feeling that I've been abandoned by optimism herself. Perhaps she saw me as a stalker; I am hyper-groovy about peace and love and always believe in happy outcomes when none seem possible. She must be overworked and tired from the constant demands on her time and energy that my frequent overuse of her sentiment incurred. It certainly seems I've fallen on optimism's pessimistic side; she apparently believes I have no redeeming qualities and has tiptoed out of town without leaving a forwarding address. She never returns my calls, either.
It's clear that optimism and I are on the rocks, relationship-wise. But like a crippled co-dependent, I wait optimistically for her return knowing she can't stay away for long. We've been through too much together.
Through deaths and divorces and sickness, she and I have bonded tightly, clinging to a hopeful future and seeking solace in the possibility of a brighter tomorrow. She has clung to my side as I traipsed across Europe with one baby, then two; she stuck by me when loved ones went off to war. She heard my plaintive cries for help through my master's degree, especially Statistics which would have made a pessimist out of anyone. But not me, because optimism was on my side.
Perhaps it was the flush of victory and the thrill of coming through so many moments of horror, not unscathed, but certainly blooming with hope, but I think optimism herself began to feel a little slighted. It was as if I believed I'd done it all myself without her help. I believe the final blow came when I referred to her as "my bitch."
As I finally began to bask in optimism's glory, she left me, felled to the ground and leaving me with no way to stand on my own. What I'm left with now is nothing less than pessimism, her ugly cousin. Pessimism doesn't allow me to stand unaided; instead it keeps me groveling where optimism left me, on the ground and flailing. Pessimism kicks a little dirt in my face for good measure.
I must find a way to appease optimism and lure her back to my side. But it is hard for her to find me when I'm trapped behind pessimism's translucent veil.
Search as I might, I can't seem to find the magical key to unlock her fickle heart and bring her near again. Pessimism is severely complicating the issue. So I will wait. I will silence the din of pessimism's howl and pierce the veil of my holding. I will wait for the return of the open mind and open heart. I will wait for the arrival of her joyous promises of a brighter future, knowing she will hear this song of mine, a song I have loaded with hope; for HOPE is the magic melody that only she can hear.
3 comments:
I truly enjoyed the comment about how she was there for you through master's level statistics. ahhh yes, she would have had to be. lol this was fantastically written. much love <3 hang in there babe
your thoughts to the screen... my all time fave. you make so much sense, Lil Miss Optimism doesn't have a chance in hell of hiding out much longer. She will see she needs you as much as you need her.
You know, when it feels like optimism is vanishing, that's exactly the time to write down your thoughts and really feel them.
Sometimes, that creativity and spark we need gets a little lost with everything we have going on in our lives. You just had some major life changing things happen to you and it's all a process. Your friends are here to be supportive and remind you that some things take a little more time. But spring is almost here and I bet your optimism begins to return with the first new buds on the trees!
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