Give Unto Me

I've been watching you from a distance
The distance sees through your disguise
All I want from you is your hurting
I want to heal you
I want to save you from the dark

Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison

Why should I care if they hurt you
Somehow it matters more to me
Than if I were hurting myself
Save you
I'll save you

Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly

~ Evanescence ~

WHY

why couldn't he

trust me

with his heart? 




and i hate him for being so goddamn sexy
and i hate him for being so smart
and i hate him for luring me into his life
for making me want him
for making me dream of him
i hate him for bringing me to his bed
for holding me in his arms
he shouldn't have pulled me close
if he knew he was only going to let me go
i hate him for letting me in
i hate him for pushing me out
but still i love everything that he is
he just couldn't trust me
wtih his heart

The Things That Break My Heart

When I first think about the things that break my heart, it’s all about me and how my heart’s been broken. I think about the love I lost when my husband broke away from me. I didn’t know how to fight for him, to fight for my marriage except to get angry, to be a victim of his frustration and anger. This only made things worse. He told me he never loved me, he told me I was too fat. He said I paid too much attention to the kids. We had no idea where to go or what to do but I did try, I loved him and I tried. What broke my heart was that he didn’t try, that he didn’t think I was worth it, even after things fell apart he never acted like I was worth it. I felt like, well, like I wasn’t worth it. And that, too, breaks my heart.

When I met you I’d been on a scary binge of sorts, desperate for someone to come to me and tell me what I should have known myself -- that I was worth it. But knowing it for myself wasn’t enough, I felt like I had to have someone show me. I just went about it the wrong way. But I was pulling it together, pushing that part of life behind me and moving on alone as a woman secure in herself, knowing I was worth it, just not to that man, or any of the ones that came after, but that’s okay. No one has to validate that to me; love is about much more than that.

What breaks my heart now is not that I’m alone or that no one is validating my worth. I’m comfortable with me in spite of all my flaws. What breaks my heart now has nothing to do with me at all, in fact. It has to do with you.

In you I see a man who is larger than life inside his heart; I see a man who is capable of great things, of giant leaps of faith and large acts of love. Through a bizarre array of circumstances, you’ve been beaten down, you don’t trust yourself anymore, you’ve lost your faith in you and in everyone else. What breaks my heart is knowing you love so deeply and so selflessly that you tried to make it work, you cared enough to try, even after pain was pulling you to pieces, you reached out and tried. But it was too late.

Maybe I’ve lived a jaded life which is completely possible, but I have never really known anyone like you. I know you don’t believe the things I tell you that I see in you but I’m telling you now what I see in you I’ve never seen in anyone before. There is something so deeply beautiful about who you are, about the depth of how you feel and the intensity of your love that it moves me to tears, and it breaks my heart to think of someone rejecting that love when it seemed that it flowed so freely. No wonder you roll up into a shell when approached with love or feelings; what’s left inside you is too raw to touch or even be seen by the light of day. That, too, breaks my heart.
You tried and it didn’t work. But you are unique in that way. Maybe you don’t see it. But you have a gentle soul in you that is guided by something so good, so deeply, purely good, even if you don’t feel that way, I know it’s true.

I wish I’d known what it felt like to be that person in your life for whom it was worth it to try; I would do anything to be that person to you now. I would do anything to make you feel that way, to draw you out, to make you feel safe and loved and appreciated and understood.
But I understand why you do the things you do, even when I react in frustration, I still understand deep down. My reactions come from my deep insecurities but I’m different from you in that I put it all out there anyway. I let myself get trampled. But I do love deeply and passionately and I know love when I see it. I know if we had the chance, that I could love you the way you deserve to be loved, that something inside both of us is calling out to be together. We are keeping our “somethings” apart and that breaks my heart too., because I know my heart already knows you and even if the rest of me is still trying to get to know you. I know love when I see it and I see love in you.

What I Need

There are a lot of things I “should” be doing right now, probably things that I should do for my larger life to go on. I should go grocery shopping, for one thing; I should do some laundry; I really should clean the kitchen, but at least the dog keeps on top of the junk that falls on the floor!

For now, I’m not stressed about these things because my children are away for a week and I appear to have time. Should becomes a different equation when you are answering only to yourself.

This is different from something that I just want….I want a lot of things. Don’t we all? But I can also accept that the things I want have a 50/50 chance of coming through, after all everything has to be triaged accordingly. No, this has escalated beyond something that I want.

Psychologists define a need as a basic urge pressing for satisfaction, usually rooted in some physiological tension, deficiency, or imbalance and impelling the organism to action (the organism in the case being ME). Among the drives or needs of human beings are achievement, activity, affection, affiliation, curiosity, elimination, exploration, hunger, manipulation, maternity, pain avoidance, sex, sleep and thirst.

My inner world has expanded and I’ve become so much myself that I need to share it, need to have it accepted. I may be barking up the wrong tree but oh god I hope not. The need I have is unique, it cannot be applied broadly or filled just anywhere. It is special, specific, particular and quite individual. It cannot be imitated.

What I NEED right now, right this minute, is something that I cannot have and something that I cannot get. 
What I NEED has twisted up my mind and played with my emotions. 
What I NEED may be crazy.

What I NEED is YOU. 

WHAT I THINK...

I think whomever invented high heels and bras should be strung up by a Double D and have a spiked heel shoved up his ass.

I think most men need to find out the true meaning of 50% as in: 50% of the housework, 50% of the child-rearing, 50% of the relationship.

I think all women should know how to make basic repairs to their car.

I think it's stupid to combine finances with someone when you get married.

I think marriage is NEVER a foregone conclusions.

I think dogs are really the best friends you can have, unless there is a wild animal or fresh meat that is distracting them. Then they can be total assholes.

I think I'm actually a much better person than I give myself credit for.

I think David is one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

I think I look pretty damn good for my age 

I think bleeding once a month is a small price to pay for the privilege of being a woman.

I think men overthink relationships just as much as women.

I think the Israelis picked a really bad spot to put Israel.

I think the public school system really IS leaving our kids behind.

I think it's about time we normalized relations with Cuba.

I think it's time to stop using oil and convert to renewable energy.

I think President Obama is doing a good job.

I think socialism isn't always a bad thing.

I think someone is going to leave me a nasty comment because I mentioned 'socialism'. 

I think capitalism in the United States has reached its ceiling; you can tell by watching the overgrown multi-nationals drop like flies. 

I think it's a relief that combat troops are finally starting to rotate OUT of Iraq.

I think it's ridiculous that we're only NOW fighting the war in Afghanistan that we needed to fight 8 years ago!

I think the fact that I can grow things that I can actually eat is a miracle.

I think organized religion is the downfall of society.

And I think I better shut the fuck up before something really embarrassing comes to light...

Because You Can

I feel your face close to mine, your breath hot on my cheek. The weight of your body presses down on me and I worry that my hip bone is cutting into your soft skin, but you don't seem concerned. Looking into your face, so close, your eyes on mine, I notice you are unwavering in your focus and I can't turn away from you.

You bring your hands up to mine, our fingers intertwining. As I try to move my arms, I realize that you have me pinned, but in a nice way. I want to kiss you so badly, but your face doesn't move. I try again to move my arms so I can put my hands on your face and draw you in, but I can't.

"Kiss me," I whisper to you.

You shake your head no and smile, just a little. I'm not sure what you're up to, but you are causing the heat to rise in me. I want your mouth, your tongue, I want to hear you sigh and moan. So I say it again.

"Kiss me."

You grip my hands together in just your one hand, something you can do since you're so much bigger than me. I try again to loosen my hands, but I still can't. How frustrating!

With your free hand you trace just one finger down my arm, whispering to me, "You are so beautiful."

I am fidgety but you are patient and want to take your time. One finger trails along my skin leaving a wake of goosebumps behind. Your lips lightly linger on my neck, so lightly, leaving me breathless. I try again.

"Kiss me. Please!"

I'm becoming impatient. I want you too much.

Still you shake your head no and continue your game, holding me still, teasing my body, touching me ever-so-lightly. I'm starting to moan softly, "Oh baby..." my breath coming in gasps as your fingers conduct your electricity through me. I can't take much more.

I ask you again. And again. "Please kiss me!" It feels so urgent wanting you, so much more than physical. Every touch brings a feeling to the surface, a smile when I think of your steamroller joke, a sigh when I think of your hand holding mine, a wave of emotion when I think of the little things you do that show you care.

The way I feel is urgent, when you touch me it becomes imperative that I melt with you, become part of you and you part of me. I want nothing more.

But still, you tease me and I know you are enjoying every long, tortuous moment.

"Oh baby" I moan, "Why are you doing this to me?"

Quietly, you bend close to my ear, and with your lips just touching my ear you whisper,

"Because I can."

The Power of Mourning

I do not like the power that he seems to have over me but I suppose it comes with the territory of mourning a loss. There is an emptiness, not just because he's not here but because he has been so nasty to me that I feel as if something has been torn off my body. When I examine what I've said or done to provoke his ire in this way, all I can think is how who I am must push his insecurities too far.

But he knew this about me from the start. So why did he take this so far with me?

My opinion is two-fold and is aimed at both of us. One - I think we were both surprised to find that the adults we've grown into are intelligent, interesting, caring people. I think there is a genuine fondness for each other at the root of it and, in spite of weirdness, a desire to be friends, to know each other more. 
But then there's two - and this is bigger than all of it -  we were so damn curious about each other. All those years as preteens and teenagers, wondering, fantasizing....that's powerful and dangerous stuff! Worse yet, if I ask myself if it was worth it, I have to answer YES, pain and all, it was worth knowing him, experiencing him. And making love to him was beyond what I could have ever imagined.....

What's unfortunate is that I cannot stop thinking about him, cannot stop rewinding and trying to fix things, something I shouldn't have said or whatever. I realize that nothing I could do would have changed this and that he is just powerfully broken. But it doesn't stop me from feeling this loss. Nor am I suddenly un-attracted to him. In fact, that aspect is almost worse knowing that it will never happen again. I feel bipolar in my approach to getting over this; one minute I'm UP, the next I'm way, way DOWN. Re-reading an email he sent me earlier just pushed me off a cliff again. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to re-read it other than to try to convince myself that it really is over; but it falls so firmly under the banner of HE WHO DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH as he tells me "I could care less who you fuck" when I know damn well that that is one of his major problems.

Not that ANY of this matters. It's just the stuff that goes round and round in my head as I try to move on. I've reached a point where I'm at about 50/50, as in about 50% of the time I can think about other stuff but the other 50% I feel like shit over this whole thing.

Oh yeah, and there's also a percentage of that percentage that I spend just remembering being in his bed, in his arms, thinking about his amazing body and how he used it to make love to me. There was something so much more than physical going on and the juxtaposition of that against how he is acting now HURTS. It just hurts so much.

I know I'll get over this eventually, that it takes time. That's why I have a blog, to help me get it out of my system. Blog world is the beneficiary of my repulsive underbelly, all the anger, fear, sadness, lust, everything that we don't show to people in our daily lives can come out here. What would I do without being able to write?

Wasted Magic

"I look at you and I see magic...wasted magic."

WTF?

The next time someone sees me getting involved with a man, I want you to take a GIANT hammer and hit me on the head. It's not bad enough that I made the mistake of getting involved with D. whom I've known for way too long. Not bad enough that, in spite of my head telling me to stay the hell away from him, my heart went charging over the border like the fucking Russian army; and it's not bad enough that the more he realizes how much I cared for him, the meaner he seems to get - a la "I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." No, none of that was enough. I don't feel shitty enough. Please, Ike, hit me again, and this time, put some fucking STANK on it!
Now I have to listen to B. tell me I ruined his deployment. What?! You mean the war wasn't enough to ruin it? Apparently, I am "wasted magic" because I don't want to be with him.

I'm tired. I'm WAY too tired of men, of mankind in general. These fragile fucking egos, all this emotional bullshit, yet when you care about a man in any way, he rolls up like an armadillo. FUCK THAT!

I'm getting another dog.

Love Is My Companion

1 Corinthians 13: 1-8a and 13
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices in the truth.
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Love does not come to an end.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love ~ 1 John 4:18


And so I do not fear, I stand naked against the wind which pushes me and freezes me and yet I do not move. The love I know is powerful and all-encompassing. It is illogical. But it is true. I am not a person of my time, I do not fit what is customary and normal. I love without limits, I love without boundaries, and when I choose to love, it does not ever end regardless of pain or time or separation. This I know, this has been proven to me over and over again as I have carried my heart outside of myself so many times throughout my life. And yes it sometimes aches, and yes I cry. But I have known love so profoundly that no matter how many times love seems to abandon me, I know that love has not really left me; it is man with his shallow fears and petty insecurities, man with his logic and reason who cannot let love past the guardhouse of his castle walls who hurts me. Love and I are constant companions and I know that love will never abandon me. We are constant companions, love and I, and she whispers to me when she recognizes herself in another; and she SHOUTED to me when she saw herself reflected in YOU.
Maybe now you might understand why and how I love. 
~ eileen 10/8/09 ~

Immutable

My heart is hidden and my mind closed off. I can't reopen what was just opened, not for anyone else.
The irony and the shock of it all isn't lost on me. The relationship ended and a floodgate opened....a tour of duty completed, someone I thought was gone, returns. And maybe if that had been earlier, before all of *this* hit me, well it would have gone back to being what it was before the deployment. I'm sorry, I know it was a long time away, but I can't do this anymore. When I dream of that kind of ecstasy at night only two hands can touch me and they are his, and no one else's. My heart is locked in place, a shock to me if ever there was one. I never thought anyone would get to me like that again, not after all I've been through. I thought my heart was beyond such things. Apparently not.