I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
********************************
I didn't expect it to hurt quite so much, this goodbye. Nobody likes goodbyes anyway, but we can anticipate them sometimes and cushion the blow by being ready. Or at least we think we can. I tried to will myself, to steel myself against the pain I knew would come, thinking that might take the sting away. I should know better after all these years that it doesn't work that way. The pain still comes, and oftentimes in different ways than you anticipated. Sometimes it comes in waves, others it stabs and stings. The mind conjures up moments and images that were once "forgotten," now so vivid and omnipresent. How did it end up this way? Where did things come unglued?
I may never know.
May 17, 2010
May 10, 2010
No Place for the Timid
---- On the base at Ft Bliss just today he sat down to the flask
and his fist ain't been sober since maybe October of last year.
Given time you can tell he's been down for awhile
But my GOD he's so beautiful
When he smiles, I just want to hold him -----
"There has to be light at the end of this tunnel!!!!!"
we shout.
But we're just as far in as we'll ever be out....
Memorial Day is coming soon.
I remember.
I remember watching you leave
the day the war became personal
I remember the way my blood froze
and the world felt like it was spinning out of control
when I realized I might never see you again
or if I did
you'd be in pieces.
I remember hearing the news.
I remember the chill in my spine
The way my body clenched
I remember I stopped breathing
when I saw you for the first time without your leg.
Remembering...
ALL OF YOU
ALL OF YOU who have passed this way
Who have traveled this roadWho have bled for me, for all of us
Your blood, your sweat, your tears,
Your hearts and souls,
Pouring all of yourselves into the task at hand
Regardless of its hazards
Some of you losing your lives
Surrounded by sand and shrapnel
Leaving your blood smeared across a strange landSurrounded by your brothers
All so far from where you belong.
Too far from home.
For whom it lives in your very soul
For those of you that combat revisits
Every time you close your eyes
It is then you can see your friends
Your brothers
Taken from this life too soon.
It is they who haunt you
to your very core.
For my friendsnear or far
alive or dead
wounded
survivinggetting by
For all of you who've done it
What more do I have that I can offer you
Besides my words, my love and my eternal gratitude?
We will never forget what you've done here.
I promise you I will
NEVER FORGET.
~eileen~
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
~Theodore Roosevelt, Sorbonne, Paris - April 23, 1910~
April 25, 2010
Single Mom Dreaming
I just thought I'd note...
Being a single parent SUCKS!
Most days I'm fine. Most days I just live my life. But then something happens and I realize how hard this is to do alone. My ex and I might TRY to work together to parent our kids, but really it's two separate efforts.
There are days I just want someone to turn to, someone to console me when I'm sad or to comfort me when I'm exhausted. There are days when it is just too much, when I've done all I can do and there is still so much left undone and I'm the only Superhero within shouting distance who can come to the rescue. There really is no one else to take up the slack; I'm the only responsible adult here.
Generally, it's okay. I don't mind parenting alone. In fact, I'm used to it. My ex was gone so much when we were married that I hardly even noticed when we separated. The only thing that made his absence truly stand out was that our fights were louder. Oh, and I had less furniture.
So honestly, I can do these things alone. But at the end of a hard day when I collapse into bed tired and despondent and worried as hell that my kids are going to grow up miserable and misguided because of all we've done to them -- those are the days when I wish I had someone in my corner. I wish there was someone who would put ME first, or at least near the top of the list. I wish there was someone who cared when I was feeling overwhelmed. I wish there was someone who didn't always WANT something from me but who was content just to be there for me. In no way do I want to rush this experience of "relationship" again; that has been an unmitigated disaster! The longing I have is probably more ethereal and less real. It's a dream that has no resolution or satisfaction.
Still, I continue to dream....
Being a single parent SUCKS!
Most days I'm fine. Most days I just live my life. But then something happens and I realize how hard this is to do alone. My ex and I might TRY to work together to parent our kids, but really it's two separate efforts.
There are days I just want someone to turn to, someone to console me when I'm sad or to comfort me when I'm exhausted. There are days when it is just too much, when I've done all I can do and there is still so much left undone and I'm the only Superhero within shouting distance who can come to the rescue. There really is no one else to take up the slack; I'm the only responsible adult here.
Generally, it's okay. I don't mind parenting alone. In fact, I'm used to it. My ex was gone so much when we were married that I hardly even noticed when we separated. The only thing that made his absence truly stand out was that our fights were louder. Oh, and I had less furniture.
So honestly, I can do these things alone. But at the end of a hard day when I collapse into bed tired and despondent and worried as hell that my kids are going to grow up miserable and misguided because of all we've done to them -- those are the days when I wish I had someone in my corner. I wish there was someone who would put ME first, or at least near the top of the list. I wish there was someone who cared when I was feeling overwhelmed. I wish there was someone who didn't always WANT something from me but who was content just to be there for me. In no way do I want to rush this experience of "relationship" again; that has been an unmitigated disaster! The longing I have is probably more ethereal and less real. It's a dream that has no resolution or satisfaction.
Still, I continue to dream....
Angry, Frustrated and Tired
The feeling when someone else lets you down leaves such a heavy, bitter taste in the mouth. It feels like a major weight pressing you down, scrambling your brain and your heart while you try to refocus on the present moment minus the person who let you down. Sometimes, the same person can let you down over and over and over again and there is nothing you can do about it.
I refer here, of course, to my ex-husband.
We've been apart long enough now that I'm pretty accustomed to feeling let down by him and I'm used to dealing with the emotional consequences of that. What I cannot tolerate is when he lets our children down. He's been doing THAT particular thing for too long and I will not allow him to continue it.
He doesn't need to agree with me; I can accept that he has a different point of view about things. We parent differently, we're totally different people with barely a thing in common. How we managed to stay married so long I'll never know. I'm just stubborn and tenacious; he wasn't around enough to care. But our differences have often driven a huge wedge in our relationship. The relationship we have now, as divorced co-parents of these remarkable kids, is sometimes strained past the point that either of us can cope. Oftentimes, I just flat out DISLIKE him. Often, I question his values and I wonder if he remembers to put the best interest of our children before his own need to be right. THAT, more than anything, makes me angry. There is one thing he has done consistently and that's put his own needs first. I don't know what makes me think that will stop now that we're divorced; in fact, it should probably get worse. But he seems to think he's a MUCH better father now. I think the only reason he feels that way is that he's forced to be a father all by himself without me to help him. It's been a steep learning curve. The fact that he's managed to "parent" without me for a little over a year does not necessarily a great father make. What it makes him is a probational father; the jury is still out on this one. Today hasn't really had much sway with the jurors.
I honestly don't even know what point I'm trying to make. I am just so angry and disappointed with him and with the way things have turned out. Our family is so fractured, our kids are so wounded. And he still can't stop putting his need to be right before the needs of other people. No matter what, he rules. I cannot live that way.
I told him today that I was not asking his permission to do what I wanted to do with our son - which is related to his education. As usual, I felt like I was peddling an outlandish idea to daddy who would just pat my head and turn me away saying, "silly girl." Fuck that! That is not going to work anymore. For years I've accepted him treating me as less of a person because I'm so different from him, because my abilities and dreams are so "out there" compared to him. I don't accept that anymore. Who I am is no less valuable and by extension, his son, because our son is so much like me. I won't allow my ex to put our son into a position that makes him feel like he's less of a person just becasue he's different. It happened to me for too long, but I won't allow it to happen to my children.
Somedays, I just wish something would be easy.
I refer here, of course, to my ex-husband.
We've been apart long enough now that I'm pretty accustomed to feeling let down by him and I'm used to dealing with the emotional consequences of that. What I cannot tolerate is when he lets our children down. He's been doing THAT particular thing for too long and I will not allow him to continue it.
He doesn't need to agree with me; I can accept that he has a different point of view about things. We parent differently, we're totally different people with barely a thing in common. How we managed to stay married so long I'll never know. I'm just stubborn and tenacious; he wasn't around enough to care. But our differences have often driven a huge wedge in our relationship. The relationship we have now, as divorced co-parents of these remarkable kids, is sometimes strained past the point that either of us can cope. Oftentimes, I just flat out DISLIKE him. Often, I question his values and I wonder if he remembers to put the best interest of our children before his own need to be right. THAT, more than anything, makes me angry. There is one thing he has done consistently and that's put his own needs first. I don't know what makes me think that will stop now that we're divorced; in fact, it should probably get worse. But he seems to think he's a MUCH better father now. I think the only reason he feels that way is that he's forced to be a father all by himself without me to help him. It's been a steep learning curve. The fact that he's managed to "parent" without me for a little over a year does not necessarily a great father make. What it makes him is a probational father; the jury is still out on this one. Today hasn't really had much sway with the jurors.
I honestly don't even know what point I'm trying to make. I am just so angry and disappointed with him and with the way things have turned out. Our family is so fractured, our kids are so wounded. And he still can't stop putting his need to be right before the needs of other people. No matter what, he rules. I cannot live that way.
I told him today that I was not asking his permission to do what I wanted to do with our son - which is related to his education. As usual, I felt like I was peddling an outlandish idea to daddy who would just pat my head and turn me away saying, "silly girl." Fuck that! That is not going to work anymore. For years I've accepted him treating me as less of a person because I'm so different from him, because my abilities and dreams are so "out there" compared to him. I don't accept that anymore. Who I am is no less valuable and by extension, his son, because our son is so much like me. I won't allow my ex to put our son into a position that makes him feel like he's less of a person just becasue he's different. It happened to me for too long, but I won't allow it to happen to my children.
Somedays, I just wish something would be easy.
Filling the Open Spaces
How would it feel to take a vacation, a brief time away from the stream of my life?
What kind of vacation would I choose? So many ideas, options, so many ways to change the flow, to recharge and reconnect. Having the time to do so is such a precious gift, our lives as filled with busyness as they tend to be. So much busyness, so little REAL time, time to be, time to experience and feel and love and be loved. Why?
I don't want a big beach resort or a suite in Vegas overlooking the strip. I don't want to prowl the world eating new foods and speaking new languages; I've done that before - quite a lot actually - and right now, that's not what I need.
If I could take a vacation I would spend my time with YOU.
My life is so full, so bursting at the seams with busyness...what I need is a refresher...a space in time to remind myself that I am a woman. We don't have the luxury of time or place or emotion to allow full-fledged, full-time relationships to enter our lives. But we each have something the other needs, whatever that is, and that longing so desperately needs to be quenched. Something has nurtured a connection across time and distance. I don't pretend to know what nor do I care to conflate it with speculation about the future. All I know is...I want you.
I could probably fill that space with ...whatever. Other stuff. Hobbies. Interests. Friends. I could fill it with another man. But it wouldn't really be filled, only occupied. Something about you stirs me and moves me and engulfs me and replenishes me...I can only hope I do the same for you. You, too, could fill your spaces with other things....so many things.
Fill it with me.
What kind of vacation would I choose? So many ideas, options, so many ways to change the flow, to recharge and reconnect. Having the time to do so is such a precious gift, our lives as filled with busyness as they tend to be. So much busyness, so little REAL time, time to be, time to experience and feel and love and be loved. Why?
I don't want a big beach resort or a suite in Vegas overlooking the strip. I don't want to prowl the world eating new foods and speaking new languages; I've done that before - quite a lot actually - and right now, that's not what I need.
If I could take a vacation I would spend my time with YOU.
My life is so full, so bursting at the seams with busyness...what I need is a refresher...a space in time to remind myself that I am a woman. We don't have the luxury of time or place or emotion to allow full-fledged, full-time relationships to enter our lives. But we each have something the other needs, whatever that is, and that longing so desperately needs to be quenched. Something has nurtured a connection across time and distance. I don't pretend to know what nor do I care to conflate it with speculation about the future. All I know is...I want you.
I could probably fill that space with ...whatever. Other stuff. Hobbies. Interests. Friends. I could fill it with another man. But it wouldn't really be filled, only occupied. Something about you stirs me and moves me and engulfs me and replenishes me...I can only hope I do the same for you. You, too, could fill your spaces with other things....so many things.
Fill it with me.
April 16, 2010
S.N.A.F.U.
I have hit an interesting snafu in my plans for self-sufficiency: I hate being alone. No, seriously. In fact, it's been 20+ years since I've really been alone. There have always been men somewhere in my life. This feels....weird. I almost said "naked" but that would give the wrong connotation.
First, I started thinking about how painful and pitiful it is to be a single parent, at least in my view. My idea is that parenting is really best done together. It's not an easy job and doing it alone is just SO not what I was hoping for. It annoys the garbage out of me that nothing I ever hoped for really has turned out right. I really believe that a family has two parents, and even though my kids HAVE two parents, we're not together and we don't function as a team. It just sucks.
After all that, I was thinking about how lonely it is not having anyone in my life. Let's take a good look at this: it's barely been a week since I decided to stop seeing everyone. One week. Good God!!! I am in sorry shape indeed if I can barely go a week without some kind of man in my life. The worst part is, I can't think of any other activities that substitute for a man. I mean, I can try and sure I have lots to do, but when it comes down to it, wouldn't I rather be spending time with someone I care about?
Now, where is he?
First, I started thinking about how painful and pitiful it is to be a single parent, at least in my view. My idea is that parenting is really best done together. It's not an easy job and doing it alone is just SO not what I was hoping for. It annoys the garbage out of me that nothing I ever hoped for really has turned out right. I really believe that a family has two parents, and even though my kids HAVE two parents, we're not together and we don't function as a team. It just sucks.
After all that, I was thinking about how lonely it is not having anyone in my life. Let's take a good look at this: it's barely been a week since I decided to stop seeing everyone. One week. Good God!!! I am in sorry shape indeed if I can barely go a week without some kind of man in my life. The worst part is, I can't think of any other activities that substitute for a man. I mean, I can try and sure I have lots to do, but when it comes down to it, wouldn't I rather be spending time with someone I care about?
Now, where is he?
April 14, 2010
Modern Life
Johnny says I'm outta here
Mary knows she's staying it alone.
Finding it hard to get along
Wondering about the price of a happy home.
Sometimes feels like we're caught in a landslide.
Sometimes everything seems to make no sense at all.
But it'll be alright
It's just the other side of crazy
It'll be alright
We're just living out a life on the big blue ball.
Now that I've released myself from so many things, I've given myself permission to GO AHEAD WITH MY LIFE!!!
I have spent the last two years after my divorce struggling with trying to make myself codependent with someone else, hoping someone would pick me up and carry me through. But what surprised me most of all....I have the strength to walk, even RUN now and I don't need to be carried.
I don't need to tend to broken men so that they'll "need" me or feel "grateful" which is really what I think I've been doing so I didn't have to limp through life alone. Somehow I thought it was just the giving side of me that wanted to accept and love a man that seemed dumped on by life. But there has been a nagging in my conscience that's been growing louder and it's now impossible to ignore. It's telling me that, although I do have a very tender side to me, it's not out of deep empathy and love that I've been doing these things. It's been a self-protection mechanism designed in my weird little subconscious mind to protect me from being alone. Here's the joyful discovery I've made - I DON'T NEED THAT!
All this time I've been thinking that the risk I've needed to take was a risk to jump into something new and unfamiliar...a relationship, sex, love, whatever....but this last relationship just proved to me that that is totally untrue. Those aren't the boundaries that need pushing. In fact, those boundaries need to stay firmly in place for me to remain the person that I am. What I needed to risk was myself....to stand up alone and look at my life honestly and see what needs doing. I need to admit to myself that my marriage is WAY over, that the men I've had in my life have been a drain on me and that the energy I've spent is energy I need elsewhere. I need to make my life MINE!!!!!
It's not easy being a single mother. It's especially not easy when you gave up a career years ago, like I did, to stay at home and raise children. It's even worse when you spent your married life giving your power to your spouse. In all the years I was married (15) my husband always did our finances, making me clueless and dependent. It's okay to be dependent on others in some way, but I realize now that I allowed myself to go blind in some areas so I didn't have to take care of them. I've paid the price for that, and it's sometimes felt overwhelming to climb out of that pit of fear of the unknown. But here I am finally standing on the top and I can tell you...the view is beautiful!
My life isn't perfect. But I've eliminated a lot of unnecessary flotsam; for instance, the random men that were supposed to make me feel better about myself, but ended up taking much more from me than they ever gave in return. I don't need that. I have two children to take care of who need me. My energy has been wasted, poured into virtual strangers who could barely give me the time of day. My life is better off without them and I am a stronger more confident person to be standing alone. In fact, I feel better standing alone rather than having something akin to a rock tied around my neck.
It still bothers me that my marriage didn't work out. It's not because I want to go back to the way it was, because that's just not possible. But I'm a person that doesn't give up on things and I will work tirelessly to find solutions. Everything, in my world, has a solution. To me, divorce is giving up. But that responsibility is not mine and I have to let it go. I have to keep reminding myself (until I can really believe it) that I did everything I could to save my marriage and repair our relationship. He even admits that, but also admits that he just didn't want the marriage anymore, that he just didn't want to be married, as if it was the institution itself and not just me that was really getting to him. But I won't ever get any answers from him that satisfy me or that will assuage the sadness and guilt I have. Those are mine to deal with and nothing he says will ever fix how I feel, regardless of how I harangue him.
I've spoken and written for so long about becoming the person I want to be and in my own mind, I've been that person for awhile. Now I'm ready to take her out for a test drive. Now it's time to stop thinking and just get out there and LIVE!
Mary knows she's staying it alone.
Finding it hard to get along
Wondering about the price of a happy home.
Sometimes feels like we're caught in a landslide.
Sometimes everything seems to make no sense at all.
But it'll be alright
It's just the other side of crazy
It'll be alright
We're just living out a life on the big blue ball.
Now that I've released myself from so many things, I've given myself permission to GO AHEAD WITH MY LIFE!!!
I have spent the last two years after my divorce struggling with trying to make myself codependent with someone else, hoping someone would pick me up and carry me through. But what surprised me most of all....I have the strength to walk, even RUN now and I don't need to be carried.
I don't need to tend to broken men so that they'll "need" me or feel "grateful" which is really what I think I've been doing so I didn't have to limp through life alone. Somehow I thought it was just the giving side of me that wanted to accept and love a man that seemed dumped on by life. But there has been a nagging in my conscience that's been growing louder and it's now impossible to ignore. It's telling me that, although I do have a very tender side to me, it's not out of deep empathy and love that I've been doing these things. It's been a self-protection mechanism designed in my weird little subconscious mind to protect me from being alone. Here's the joyful discovery I've made - I DON'T NEED THAT!
All this time I've been thinking that the risk I've needed to take was a risk to jump into something new and unfamiliar...a relationship, sex, love, whatever....but this last relationship just proved to me that that is totally untrue. Those aren't the boundaries that need pushing. In fact, those boundaries need to stay firmly in place for me to remain the person that I am. What I needed to risk was myself....to stand up alone and look at my life honestly and see what needs doing. I need to admit to myself that my marriage is WAY over, that the men I've had in my life have been a drain on me and that the energy I've spent is energy I need elsewhere. I need to make my life MINE!!!!!
It's not easy being a single mother. It's especially not easy when you gave up a career years ago, like I did, to stay at home and raise children. It's even worse when you spent your married life giving your power to your spouse. In all the years I was married (15) my husband always did our finances, making me clueless and dependent. It's okay to be dependent on others in some way, but I realize now that I allowed myself to go blind in some areas so I didn't have to take care of them. I've paid the price for that, and it's sometimes felt overwhelming to climb out of that pit of fear of the unknown. But here I am finally standing on the top and I can tell you...the view is beautiful!
My life isn't perfect. But I've eliminated a lot of unnecessary flotsam; for instance, the random men that were supposed to make me feel better about myself, but ended up taking much more from me than they ever gave in return. I don't need that. I have two children to take care of who need me. My energy has been wasted, poured into virtual strangers who could barely give me the time of day. My life is better off without them and I am a stronger more confident person to be standing alone. In fact, I feel better standing alone rather than having something akin to a rock tied around my neck.
It still bothers me that my marriage didn't work out. It's not because I want to go back to the way it was, because that's just not possible. But I'm a person that doesn't give up on things and I will work tirelessly to find solutions. Everything, in my world, has a solution. To me, divorce is giving up. But that responsibility is not mine and I have to let it go. I have to keep reminding myself (until I can really believe it) that I did everything I could to save my marriage and repair our relationship. He even admits that, but also admits that he just didn't want the marriage anymore, that he just didn't want to be married, as if it was the institution itself and not just me that was really getting to him. But I won't ever get any answers from him that satisfy me or that will assuage the sadness and guilt I have. Those are mine to deal with and nothing he says will ever fix how I feel, regardless of how I harangue him.
I've spoken and written for so long about becoming the person I want to be and in my own mind, I've been that person for awhile. Now I'm ready to take her out for a test drive. Now it's time to stop thinking and just get out there and LIVE!
February 26, 2010
Numinous Fucking
you are a beautiful work of art
a creation direct from the soul of the divine
a masterpiece brought to life
animated with the breath of the big bang
lit by the light of the stars
wrapped in clouds and stained with earth
pulled from the heart of all that is beauty
made man
i seek to embrace the umbilical you
where man meets maker
the intersection of your divine wow
and your humanity
coming together to shake hands
with my inner gods and goddesses
to explore the sacred sanctum of my holiest hideout
and enrapture you with my blissful connections
to the point of light
from which we all emanate
pull from me
the energy you seek
i lay before you
a tomboy and a woman,
a soul and a pussy,
a body aflame with desire
that never extinguishes
even under the threat of all kinds
of misanthropy
opened to each other
we will find what we seek
joined in the now
we commingle forever
protein strands intertwined
as you travel through my glorious
black hole
over the event horizon
into our numinous fucking universe
February 20, 2010
Empty Shell
Chasing away the ones I want
My energy burns too bright.
Holding, chafing, you escaping
As usual I hold too tight
My desire unrefined
My plans were not concrete
Now nothing else that I encounter
Can make me feel complete
That empty aching in my heart
My body brought to rest
not having felt your skin's soft touch
Your face held to my breast
Where once you were a muse to me
I now feel stark and hollow
Your touch could light my soul on fire
Your words I sought to follow
Have mercy on me, I beseech
Take pity, hear my plea
Just once I want to feel you move
To have your skin on me
If ever then I relegate
This trembling, scorched desire
Somewhere out of reach of love
The consequences dire
No more will I feel this pain
No longer will I tremble
Now my outsides match my in
The shell that I resemble
Cracked and torn, antagonized
I need some time to heal
Til then I'll think of you and sigh
There's nothing left to do but deal....
Goodnight, Sweetheart
I just found out that the daughter of a very good friend has passed away.
She was only seventeen.
I've always known that this was coming. She was born with cystic fibrosis and has spent a good portion of her short life in the hospital or on some kind of breathing apparatus. Year after year we participated in the CF Walk and various CF spaghetti dinners, cookie sales, and other things to help their family raise money for CF research.
It sounds weird, but I never really expected this to happen. Their family and daughter have been part of my life for so many years that CF just seemed like a way of life.
I almost forgot it's also a cause of death.
Part of my heart goes with young L. and her family, all of whom I love dearly. I will always remember you, sweet girl, with a song in my heart, remembering all the ways you brought life and love to those around you. You who knew from the very start that your life would be brief, had a way of packing more life into the time you had than most people who lived much longer but merely existed.
We are going to miss you so much.
She was only seventeen.
I've always known that this was coming. She was born with cystic fibrosis and has spent a good portion of her short life in the hospital or on some kind of breathing apparatus. Year after year we participated in the CF Walk and various CF spaghetti dinners, cookie sales, and other things to help their family raise money for CF research.
It sounds weird, but I never really expected this to happen. Their family and daughter have been part of my life for so many years that CF just seemed like a way of life.
I almost forgot it's also a cause of death.
Part of my heart goes with young L. and her family, all of whom I love dearly. I will always remember you, sweet girl, with a song in my heart, remembering all the ways you brought life and love to those around you. You who knew from the very start that your life would be brief, had a way of packing more life into the time you had than most people who lived much longer but merely existed.
We are going to miss you so much.
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