Single Mom Dreaming

I just thought I'd note...

Being a single parent SUCKS!

Most days I'm fine. Most days I just live my life. But then something happens and I realize how hard this is to do alone. My ex and I might TRY to work together to parent our kids, but really it's two separate efforts.

There are days I just want someone to turn to, someone to console me when I'm sad or to comfort me when I'm exhausted. There are days when it is just too much, when I've done all I can do and there is still so much left undone and I'm the only Superhero within shouting distance who can come to the rescue. There really is no one else to take up the slack; I'm the only responsible adult here.

Generally, it's okay. I don't mind parenting alone. In fact, I'm used to it. My ex was gone so much when we were married that I hardly even noticed when we separated. The only thing that made his absence truly stand out was that our fights were louder. Oh, and I had less furniture.

So honestly, I can do these things alone. But at the end of a hard day when I collapse into bed tired and despondent and worried as hell that my kids are going to grow up miserable and misguided because of all we've done to them -- those are the days when I wish I had someone in my corner. I wish there was someone who would put ME first, or at least near the top of the list. I wish there was someone who cared when I was feeling overwhelmed. I wish there was someone who didn't always WANT something from me but who was content just to be there for me. In no way do I want to rush this experience of "relationship" again; that has been an unmitigated disaster! The longing I have is probably more ethereal and less real. It's a dream that has no resolution or satisfaction.

Still, I continue to dream....

Angry, Frustrated and Tired

The feeling when someone else lets you down leaves such a heavy, bitter taste in the mouth. It feels like a major weight pressing you down, scrambling your brain and your heart while you try to refocus on the present moment minus the person who let you down. Sometimes, the same person can let you down over and over and over again and there is nothing you can do about it.

I refer here, of course, to my ex-husband.

We've been apart long enough now that I'm pretty accustomed to feeling let down by him and I'm used to dealing with the emotional consequences of that. What I cannot tolerate is when he lets our children down. He's been doing THAT particular thing for too long and I will not allow him to continue it.

He doesn't need to agree with me; I can accept that he has a different point of view about things. We parent differently, we're totally different people with barely a thing in common. How we managed to stay married so long I'll never know. I'm just stubborn and tenacious; he wasn't around enough to care. But our differences have often driven a huge wedge in our relationship. The relationship we have now, as divorced co-parents of these remarkable kids, is sometimes strained past the point that either of us can cope. Oftentimes, I just flat out DISLIKE him. Often, I question his values and I wonder if he remembers to put the best interest of our children before his own need to be right. THAT, more than anything, makes me angry. There is one thing he has done consistently and that's put his own needs first. I don't know what makes me think that will stop now that we're divorced; in fact, it should probably get worse. But he seems to think he's a MUCH better father now. I think the only reason he feels that way is that he's forced to be a father all by himself without me to help him. It's been a steep learning curve. The fact that he's managed to "parent" without me for a little over a year does not necessarily a great father make. What it makes him is a probational father; the jury is still out on this one. Today hasn't really had much sway with the jurors.

I honestly don't even know what point I'm trying to make. I am just so angry and disappointed with him and with the way things have turned out. Our family is so fractured, our kids are so wounded. And he still can't stop putting his need to be right before the needs of other people. No matter what, he rules. I cannot live that way.

I told him today that I was not asking his permission to do what I wanted to do with our son - which is related to his education. As usual, I felt like I was peddling an outlandish idea to daddy who would just pat my head and turn me away saying, "silly girl." Fuck that! That is not going to work anymore. For years I've accepted him treating me as less of a person because I'm so different from him, because my abilities and dreams are so "out there" compared to him. I don't accept that anymore. Who I am is no less valuable and by extension, his son, because our son is so much like me. I won't allow my ex to put our son into a position that makes him feel like he's less of a person just becasue he's different. It happened to me for too long, but I won't allow it to happen to my children.

Somedays, I just wish something would be easy.

Filling the Open Spaces

How would it feel to take a vacation, a brief time away from the stream of my life?
What kind of vacation would I choose? So many ideas, options, so many ways to change the flow, to recharge and reconnect. Having the time to do so is such a precious gift, our lives as filled with busyness as they tend to be. So much busyness, so little REAL time, time to be, time to experience and feel and love and be loved. Why?

I don't want a big beach resort or a suite in Vegas overlooking the strip. I don't want to prowl the world eating new foods and speaking new languages; I've done that before - quite a lot actually - and right now, that's not what I need.

If I could take a vacation I would spend my time with YOU.

My life is so full, so bursting at the seams with busyness...what I need is a refresher...a space in time to remind myself that I am a woman. We don't have the luxury of time or place or emotion to allow full-fledged, full-time relationships to enter our lives. But we each have something the other needs, whatever that is, and that longing so desperately needs to be quenched. Something has nurtured a connection across time and distance. I don't pretend to know what nor do I care to conflate it with speculation about the future. All I know is...I want you.

I could probably fill that space with ...whatever. Other stuff. Hobbies. Interests. Friends. I could fill it with another man. But it wouldn't really be filled, only occupied. Something about you stirs me and moves me and engulfs me and replenishes me...I can only hope I do the same for you. You, too, could fill your spaces with other things....so many things.

Fill it with me.

S.N.A.F.U.

I have hit an interesting snafu in my plans for self-sufficiency: I hate being alone. No, seriously. In fact, it's been 20+ years since I've really been alone. There have always been men somewhere in my life. This feels....weird. I almost said "naked" but that would give the wrong connotation.

First, I started thinking about how painful and pitiful it is to be a single parent, at least in my view. My idea is that parenting is really best done together. It's not an easy job and doing it alone is just SO not what I was hoping for. It annoys the garbage out of me that nothing I ever hoped for really has turned out right. I really believe that a family has two parents, and even though my kids HAVE two parents, we're not together and we don't function as a team. It just sucks.

After all that, I was thinking about how lonely it is not having anyone in my life. Let's take a good look at this: it's barely been a week since I decided to stop seeing everyone. One week. Good God!!! I am in sorry shape indeed if I can barely go a week without some kind of man in my life. The worst part is, I can't think of any other activities that substitute for a man. I mean, I can try and sure I have lots to do, but when it comes down to it, wouldn't I rather be spending time with someone I care about?

Now, where is he?

Modern Life

Johnny says I'm outta here
Mary knows she's staying it alone.
Finding it hard to get along
Wondering about the price of a happy home.

Sometimes feels like we're caught in a landslide.
Sometimes everything seems to make no sense at all.

But it'll be alright
It's just the other side of crazy
It'll be alright
We're just living out a life on the big blue ball.

Now that I've released myself from so many things, I've given myself permission to GO AHEAD WITH MY LIFE!!!

I have spent the last two years after my divorce struggling with trying to make myself codependent with someone else, hoping someone would pick me up and carry me through. But what surprised me most of all....I have the strength to walk, even RUN now and I don't need to be carried.

I don't need to tend to broken men so that they'll "need" me or feel "grateful" which is really what I think I've been doing so I didn't have to limp through life alone. Somehow I thought it was just the giving side of me that wanted to accept and love a man that seemed dumped on by life. But there has been a nagging in my conscience that's been growing louder and it's now impossible to ignore. It's telling me that, although I do have a very tender side to me, it's not out of deep empathy and love that I've been doing these things. It's been a self-protection mechanism designed in my weird little subconscious mind to protect me from being alone. Here's the joyful discovery I've made - I DON'T NEED THAT!

All this time I've been thinking that the risk I've needed to take was a risk to jump into something new and unfamiliar...a relationship, sex, love, whatever....but this last relationship just proved to me that that is totally untrue. Those aren't the boundaries that need pushing. In fact, those boundaries need to stay firmly in place for me to remain the person that I am. What I needed to risk was myself....to stand up alone and look at my life honestly and see what needs doing. I need to admit to myself that my marriage is WAY over, that the men I've had in my life have been a drain on me and that the energy I've spent is energy I need elsewhere. I need to make my life MINE!!!!!

It's not easy being a single mother. It's especially not easy when you gave up a career years ago, like I did, to stay at home and raise children. It's even worse when you spent your married life giving your power to your spouse. In all the years I was married (15) my husband always did our finances, making me clueless and dependent. It's okay to be dependent on others in some way, but I realize now that I allowed myself to go blind in some areas so I didn't have to take care of them. I've paid the price for that, and it's sometimes felt overwhelming to climb out of that pit of fear of the unknown. But here I am finally standing on the top and I can tell you...the view is beautiful!

My life isn't perfect. But I've eliminated a lot of unnecessary flotsam; for instance, the random men that were supposed to make me feel better about myself, but ended up taking much more from me than they ever gave in return. I don't need that. I have two children to take care of who need me. My energy has been wasted, poured into virtual strangers who could barely give me the time of day. My life is better off without them and I am a stronger more confident person to be standing alone. In fact, I feel better standing alone rather than having something akin to a rock tied around my neck.

It still bothers me that my marriage didn't work out. It's not because I want to go back to the way it was, because that's just not possible. But I'm a person that doesn't give up on things and I will work tirelessly to find solutions. Everything, in my world, has a solution. To me, divorce is giving up. But that responsibility is not mine and I have to let it go. I have to keep reminding myself (until I can really believe it) that I did everything I could to save my marriage and repair our relationship. He even admits that, but also admits that he just didn't want the marriage anymore, that he just didn't want to be married, as if it was the institution itself and not just me that was really getting to him. But I won't ever get any answers from him that satisfy me or that will assuage the sadness and guilt I have. Those are mine to deal with and nothing he says will ever fix how I feel, regardless of how I harangue him.

I've spoken and written for so long about becoming the person I want to be and in my own mind, I've been that person for awhile. Now I'm ready to take her out for a test drive. Now it's time to stop thinking and just get out there and LIVE!