Modern Life

Johnny says I'm outta here
Mary knows she's staying it alone.
Finding it hard to get along
Wondering about the price of a happy home.

Sometimes feels like we're caught in a landslide.
Sometimes everything seems to make no sense at all.

But it'll be alright
It's just the other side of crazy
It'll be alright
We're just living out a life on the big blue ball.

Now that I've released myself from so many things, I've given myself permission to GO AHEAD WITH MY LIFE!!!

I have spent the last two years after my divorce struggling with trying to make myself codependent with someone else, hoping someone would pick me up and carry me through. But what surprised me most of all....I have the strength to walk, even RUN now and I don't need to be carried.

I don't need to tend to broken men so that they'll "need" me or feel "grateful" which is really what I think I've been doing so I didn't have to limp through life alone. Somehow I thought it was just the giving side of me that wanted to accept and love a man that seemed dumped on by life. But there has been a nagging in my conscience that's been growing louder and it's now impossible to ignore. It's telling me that, although I do have a very tender side to me, it's not out of deep empathy and love that I've been doing these things. It's been a self-protection mechanism designed in my weird little subconscious mind to protect me from being alone. Here's the joyful discovery I've made - I DON'T NEED THAT!

All this time I've been thinking that the risk I've needed to take was a risk to jump into something new and unfamiliar...a relationship, sex, love, whatever....but this last relationship just proved to me that that is totally untrue. Those aren't the boundaries that need pushing. In fact, those boundaries need to stay firmly in place for me to remain the person that I am. What I needed to risk was myself....to stand up alone and look at my life honestly and see what needs doing. I need to admit to myself that my marriage is WAY over, that the men I've had in my life have been a drain on me and that the energy I've spent is energy I need elsewhere. I need to make my life MINE!!!!!

It's not easy being a single mother. It's especially not easy when you gave up a career years ago, like I did, to stay at home and raise children. It's even worse when you spent your married life giving your power to your spouse. In all the years I was married (15) my husband always did our finances, making me clueless and dependent. It's okay to be dependent on others in some way, but I realize now that I allowed myself to go blind in some areas so I didn't have to take care of them. I've paid the price for that, and it's sometimes felt overwhelming to climb out of that pit of fear of the unknown. But here I am finally standing on the top and I can tell you...the view is beautiful!

My life isn't perfect. But I've eliminated a lot of unnecessary flotsam; for instance, the random men that were supposed to make me feel better about myself, but ended up taking much more from me than they ever gave in return. I don't need that. I have two children to take care of who need me. My energy has been wasted, poured into virtual strangers who could barely give me the time of day. My life is better off without them and I am a stronger more confident person to be standing alone. In fact, I feel better standing alone rather than having something akin to a rock tied around my neck.

It still bothers me that my marriage didn't work out. It's not because I want to go back to the way it was, because that's just not possible. But I'm a person that doesn't give up on things and I will work tirelessly to find solutions. Everything, in my world, has a solution. To me, divorce is giving up. But that responsibility is not mine and I have to let it go. I have to keep reminding myself (until I can really believe it) that I did everything I could to save my marriage and repair our relationship. He even admits that, but also admits that he just didn't want the marriage anymore, that he just didn't want to be married, as if it was the institution itself and not just me that was really getting to him. But I won't ever get any answers from him that satisfy me or that will assuage the sadness and guilt I have. Those are mine to deal with and nothing he says will ever fix how I feel, regardless of how I harangue him.

I've spoken and written for so long about becoming the person I want to be and in my own mind, I've been that person for awhile. Now I'm ready to take her out for a test drive. Now it's time to stop thinking and just get out there and LIVE!