Life goes on, things have transpired. I have had a wonderful weekend with my children as we've celebrated Halloween. Friends and family were here and I had the opportunity to cook for everyone, which brightens me from the inside. I love to cook and I love to provide for the people I love, it makes me happy. I thrive on it! There was happiness and warmth in my kitchen, around my table, with wonderful smells coming from the pots and the oven. The fireplace crackled all day and all night, the house was lit with candles in every room, glowing and warm. The kids went back and forth trick or treating with their father which went well (for a change) and I admit that maybe my lighter attitude contributes to our relationship being less bitter and easier to deal with.
There is nothing I'm missing, my life feels full and I feel blessed. Yet I can't help feel from time to time that D. brought something beautiful to my life. I no longer have room to make something like that the center of my everything, not now that I've been through what I've been through and that I've found such enjoyment and pleasure from the gifts in my life, friends and family, especially my kids. Sometimes, though, I miss the unique happiness that he brought me. I feel like something true was there. But life doesn't need my help. If something true remained, I wouldn't need to push, it would have happened. So I take a deep breath of acceptance and sigh it out, moving forward not feeling empty, just a pocket of longing, not necessarily for what was but for what will never be.
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