Playing With Fire

I sometimes wonder why I bothered getting divorced. My ex and I probably get along much better now than we ever have, except for maybe those first five years or so when we were just horny. After having children, however, our marriage became a business arrangement, like we were roommates who had the task of raising these two kids. We didn't really work together at it, however, we were constantly at odds on how it should be done. There was also a ton of resentment flying from both directions: I was resentful that he was never around and could seem to care less, and he was resentful, apparently, because I got to stay home with the kids and spend time with them, because I was bonded to them and he really wasn't (this I only learned recently).

This weekend I put him to work. I made him clean out my garage. It's not as mean as it sounds. He had about 20 containers and boxes full of junk in there stacked into this defensive pyramid so that I couldn't fit my car in there no matter how I arranged them. With the holidays coming and undoubtedly more "stuff", I felt the time had come for him to take responsibility for his stuff. In any case, he did so, and in the process ended up cleaning and rearranging the entire garage, making sure I could get my car in there, which I thought was very nice. In return, I made him dinner, massive barbecue pork ribs, one of his favorites. So there we were, the four of us sitting down to dinner as a "family" which is something that hasn't happened in a long time. The kids took it in stride and didn't seem to have any issues one way or the other, either thinking this "meant" something or thinking it was dangerous having us together in the same room. I guess we've all come a long way.

It did make me wonder, however, about the nature of marriage. So many of the people I know who got married when we did (1993) are either divorcing, are unhappy or are actively engaged in hidden pursuits 'on the side.' I suppose only time will bear out how our children will fare with this divorce as part of their history, but I can't help thinking about how any of this affects kids in general. How does staying together for the sake of the kids really benefit them? If the ex and I had stayed married, we could have been eating dinner as a family (for example) for the past two years. But at what cost?
I am certain that, without the divorce, he and I could never have gotten to the point where we are finally civil to one another. I've realized that this civility only comes to me after thrashing through a lot of pain and finally letting it go because it was no longer my concern. There are a lot of things that he does that piss me off, which is normal in any relationship; the key is that as an ex, those things are no longer really my concern. Unless his actions affect our children, what he does is no longer my concern. THAT is liberating!

The problem with staying married "for the kids" is that you can't really sever that connection to your spouse either mentally or emotionally because you are a) still married and b) still living under the same roof. I know people who do this and believe me, their concerns with their spouse are still deeply rooted. I can't say that anymore.

When the ex was ready to leave after dinner the other night, I could tell he was sort of hovering around as if he expected to kiss me. That was SO not going to happen and I gave off as many non-verbal signals as I could muster to let him know that. After he left, I did honestly find myself wondering, albeit briefly, if we did the right thing. Were we still a good couple? It had been such a good day....

Then I heard his engine start and saw his truck drive off and I felt the tension suddenly release from my body, and not happy, sexy tension, just plain, old, withering stress. I was flooded with relief.

Oh yes. We have SO done the right thing.