What the fuck was I thinking sending this to D? OMG, I should be shot through the head for doing something this stupid. Like I haven't annoyed the shit out of him already.....It makes me so sad. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get over this? I've been asked out on dates, friends I used to hook up with have been asking me when I'm coming out of hibernation, but I can't do it. I only want HIM. I don't want anyone else. I feel like I found someone so wonderful that I don't want anyone but him, like he's a missing part of me that I discovered. I can't believe I scared him off. It makes me feel totally unlovable, useless and retarded.
Then again, when I send him emails like this, it's no wonder. I mean, I really feel this way about him. But did I need to assault him with it? No wonder he ran for the hills....I am too exuberant. But I'm not like this all the time. I am not usually so ridiculous or overly dramatically poetic. I just fell so hard for him, I'm still so in love with him. When you meet someone whom you feel so connected to, who makes you feel so many things, it's hard to then just turn it OFF. Besides, it was all so confusing, first he's in, then he's out, then he's not sure, then he's out again, then in again. Then he says, well not now but maybe another time. I mean WTF???? Yet still I sit here pining for him. This is insane!!! I'd give anything, almost anything, to be able to move on and stop this hurting. Like from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.....almost. I don't want to forget, though. I can't. Those few moments sustain me in some way. I wish I had words to explain how or why but I don't. I don't have anything.
I closed my eyes and jumped, I fell with the exhilaration of a thousand voices singing in joy, exhilaration in finding you, every minute I spent with you imbued with the joy of life. You to me are magic, you are the potential I see in myself and in you, awakening my inner knowledge and challenging me to be the best ME I can be. I could feel in you the pull to be more, the challenge to rise above myself and grow. I know this for certain, I feel it in the deepest place inside of me. I have let go of this, of you, so that you do not feel me strangling you to death for your beauty needs to flourish. I've made so many, many mistakes but through them I have learned that I want YOU and YOU ONLY, I want you so badly in my life. Everything about you feels like home. If only you could let me in to you, if you could only accept me, you would feel love flowing, unrestrained, every moment that you breathe, feel it pouring over you and into you, embracing you in all you do. I seek only to accept you and appreciate you for the man that you are; I have no plans for you, no desire to change you or fix you or make you into a copy of myself. You are complete the way you are, beautiful, amazing, and full of God's promise.
This is who I am, a lover of life, of experience, and I refuse to back away from the challenge and intensity of life. I also know myself well enough to know when to focus my energy and YOU draw everything that I am into a single, brilliant point of light. I don't care if it sounds stupid, I don't care if it makes no sense. I don't care who judges me or thinks I am crazy for falling in love so hard the way I have with you. This is my reality and every cell in my body is crying out for you. Nothing else matters to me without you here to share it; without you the luster and glow is gone from my life. But you are worth every ounce of pain, every tear, every moment of sadness I have spent missing you and gazing, empty, at the hole you've left in my life. It was all worth it just to be with you.
Eventually I will move on. But no one will ever replace you.
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