How would I feel if that happened to me? Would I be readily able to trust again, even after a few years? How about it if happened to me TWICE? Clearly I understand that it takes two and I recognize what his issues are; but what didn't happen in his marriages, especially the second one, is that instead of loving him, his wife gave up on him. D. is a difficult man, this I have established from the very beginning. But I also maintain that he is worth the effort, ergo the reason I am STILL trying to untangle this mess. I realize that perhaps I didn't scare him away by being too intense; I scared him away by being too VOLATILE. What he needs is consistency and reassurance, not volatility and unpredictability. That's what causes upheaval in relationships. Caring for someone is not an off and on proposition, it needs to be a daily HABIT, an attitude and not just something you say, but something you do on a consistent basis. My flying off the handle at him for perceived injustices did nothing to encourage loving behavior, and in fact I was not showing him loving behavior. Self-monitoring has not always been one of my strong suits in that I sometimes decide that everyone has a right to my opinion. It's time for me to grow up and swallow some pride.
This is someone I care very much about. Something happened inside me when we met, a switch flipped, my heart opened and I felt him inside me as if we had always known each other. My heart recognized his heart right away. I can't just let that go. He is hurt and angry and it is because of me. I can't fix this through some "grand overture" of love and poetics. I have to slowly over time, quietly and consistently show him that I am HERE for him, that I do care about him and that he can rely on that and on me. Slowly and quietly are not two of my strong points, but I can be consistent after all I was married for 15 years and from what my ex tells me, I was a good wife.
I need to put his needs above my own, at least in this instance, because I WAS WRONG.
Sometimes what seems as if it should be self-evident comes as a major revelation.
Here is T's blog - Are You in a Loveless Marriage ---
C. posted an interesting item this morning, and it got me thinking about my own marriage. A disaster, really, that ended only 14 months after it started. I don’t talk about this much; I don’t know why, I just don’t. Like C.'s situation, mine was also about a lack of communication, a lack of intimacy, a lack of trust, and more than that, an enormous lack of love.
We were engaged a year before we got married and in that time I was her leading man, the man of her dreams, the love of her life. Before the honeymoon was over and we set up housekeeping, I felt like we were strangers. The fundamental marital traditions --cooking, cleaning, sharing, and togetherness -- that her father and brothers preached somehow didn’t apply to her. While it was alright for her to go to Wednesday night prayer meetings without me, if I chose to spend an evening with my parents without her, my behavior was suspect and scrutinized by her entire family.
I tried to speak to the Pastor, but he said it would be inappropriate without talking to her father first, since he was, after all, a Deacon. When I tried to speak to him, or any of my brothers-in-law, I was instructed to talk to “B” but that never happened without becoming a shouting match, which was why I sought independent counseling in the first place. And the sex? What sex... I let her think she was “withholding sex” to keep me in line, but in all honesty, I just didn’t want it. Half of our marriage was spent sleeping in separate bedrooms, only a mile from her dear Mommy and Daddy’s house. I started to believe that she’d just stopped loving me, and I just couldn’t figure out why. It’s probably more accurate to assume that she never did.
When I finally had had enough, I left. Packed my stuff, loaded my truck, and was gone. No note, no phone call, no “proper consideration” since all I really got out of that marriage was zero consideration from her. We didn’t have children or major property, so we were able to get out of it with what Pennsylvania calls a “No Fault Divorce.” Letters between lawyers, a “cooling off” period, and the judge’s final decree. Simple. Done with the stroke of a pen as though it never even happened, and I suppose, when I think about it, without love that marriage really didn’t happen.
So that’s it. Part of the story of my life. That was May 1984 thru August 1985... I never remarried. Will I ever? I don’t know; I doubt it. Will I ever really love someone? I hope so; depends on whether or not someone will ever really love me. ~zztodd~
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