The Things That Break My Heart

When I first think about the things that break my heart, it’s all about me and how my heart’s been broken. I think about the love I lost when my husband broke away from me. I didn’t know how to fight for him, to fight for my marriage except to get angry, to be a victim of his frustration and anger. This only made things worse. He told me he never loved me, he told me I was too fat. He said I paid too much attention to the kids. We had no idea where to go or what to do but I did try, I loved him and I tried. What broke my heart was that he didn’t try, that he didn’t think I was worth it, even after things fell apart he never acted like I was worth it. I felt like, well, like I wasn’t worth it. And that, too, breaks my heart.

When I met you I’d been on a scary binge of sorts, desperate for someone to come to me and tell me what I should have known myself -- that I was worth it. But knowing it for myself wasn’t enough, I felt like I had to have someone show me. I just went about it the wrong way. But I was pulling it together, pushing that part of life behind me and moving on alone as a woman secure in herself, knowing I was worth it, just not to that man, or any of the ones that came after, but that’s okay. No one has to validate that to me; love is about much more than that.

What breaks my heart now is not that I’m alone or that no one is validating my worth. I’m comfortable with me in spite of all my flaws. What breaks my heart now has nothing to do with me at all, in fact. It has to do with you.

In you I see a man who is larger than life inside his heart; I see a man who is capable of great things, of giant leaps of faith and large acts of love. Through a bizarre array of circumstances, you’ve been beaten down, you don’t trust yourself anymore, you’ve lost your faith in you and in everyone else. What breaks my heart is knowing you love so deeply and so selflessly that you tried to make it work, you cared enough to try, even after pain was pulling you to pieces, you reached out and tried. But it was too late.

Maybe I’ve lived a jaded life which is completely possible, but I have never really known anyone like you. I know you don’t believe the things I tell you that I see in you but I’m telling you now what I see in you I’ve never seen in anyone before. There is something so deeply beautiful about who you are, about the depth of how you feel and the intensity of your love that it moves me to tears, and it breaks my heart to think of someone rejecting that love when it seemed that it flowed so freely. No wonder you roll up into a shell when approached with love or feelings; what’s left inside you is too raw to touch or even be seen by the light of day. That, too, breaks my heart.
You tried and it didn’t work. But you are unique in that way. Maybe you don’t see it. But you have a gentle soul in you that is guided by something so good, so deeply, purely good, even if you don’t feel that way, I know it’s true.

I wish I’d known what it felt like to be that person in your life for whom it was worth it to try; I would do anything to be that person to you now. I would do anything to make you feel that way, to draw you out, to make you feel safe and loved and appreciated and understood.
But I understand why you do the things you do, even when I react in frustration, I still understand deep down. My reactions come from my deep insecurities but I’m different from you in that I put it all out there anyway. I let myself get trampled. But I do love deeply and passionately and I know love when I see it. I know if we had the chance, that I could love you the way you deserve to be loved, that something inside both of us is calling out to be together. We are keeping our “somethings” apart and that breaks my heart too., because I know my heart already knows you and even if the rest of me is still trying to get to know you. I know love when I see it and I see love in you.